The Unitarian Menace
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!
Sad to say, some have answered to that dread call! And to those who think the Unitarians jest? The Unitarian Universalist wiki revendicates its new name, urging fellow-travellers to let "the Pepper Spray of your Passion interdepend with the Web of your Warm Humanitarianism." They have even mechanized the cultish practice of renaming individuals within the cause.
Edmund Burke saw these people coming! He knew how best to characterize the Unitarian menance! In a May 1792 parliamentary speech "On the Petition of the Unitarians," he declamed that:
These insect reptiles, whilst they go on only caballing and toasting, only fill us with disgust; if they go above their natural size and increase the quantity, whilst they keep the quality, of their venom, they become objects of greatest terror. A spider in his natural size is only a spider, ugly and loathsome, and his flimsy net is only fit for catching flies. But, good God! Suppose a spider as large as an ox, and that he spread cables about us; all the wilds of Africa would not produce anything so dreadful.
Or the shadows of Mirkwood, presumably.
So: when you hear of Unitarians, yes, be afraid of their fearsome jihad against unreason, but above all, remember that they are really oxen-sized spiders in disguise.
(--Jackmormon, Sister Sword of Sweet Reason)