Thursday, June 16, 2005

God's Response to 9/11

Regular commentor Jesurgislac on an ObWi thread pointed out this older Onion piece that I had almost forgotten, reminiscing that in the months immediately after the attacks, the Onion was the only newspaper that really said it like it was and comforted the ailing.

So here's some of the words of God:
"Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand."

[...]"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. "I guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?"

[...]Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: "Can't you people see? What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism... every religious belief system under the sun, they all say you're supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It's not that hard a concept to grasp."[...]

[...]"I'm talking to all of you, here!" continued God, His voice rising to a shout. "Do you hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other anymore—ever! I'm fucking serious!"

Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept.

2 Comments:

Anonymous DaveL:

That whole Onion issue was really good, but this particular piece was extraordinary. It still makes me tear up at the end.

6/16/2005 05:11:00 PM  
Blogger Jackmormon:

Yeah, that's one I might consider ordering from the company. It's strange to say, but I never really read the Onion before 9-11, despite its being free on the street in NYC.

6/17/2005 07:10:00 AM  

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