Thursday, May 25, 2006

Gathering Evidence

Somebody recently mentioned that John Thullen should get the coveted Koufax for Best Commenter. I have nominated all three members of what I call the cranky uncle brigade--John Thullen, Bob McManus, and John Emerson--for a couple of years running, but I suspect that Koufax voters have not been sufficiently exposed to the dadaist violence represented by a John Thullen comment.

Evidence is needed! And this is the place to collect it. So, to start matters off, My current favorite John Thullen comment, which appeared in comments to this thread, is below the jump. ***
On the story about Republican Hill Aides being whiny about the annual softball game:


I'll suggest the following re the stupid softball game (no balls and strikes; what's with that?, though I see that the Republicans might view the hiring of umpires as some sort of governmental regulatory scheme designed to thwart their bohunkedness):

We let the lesser teams in the playoffs, because we are nice people. But the night before the tournament, we fly in from all over the country. as subs on the lesser teams, competitive ringer softball players who also happen to believe Medicare is a fine program and have hugged a tree at least once. I'll bat leadoff, play centerfield, and start the trash talk. We kick ass during the game. Further, we bring the Hanson Brothers from the movie "Slap Shot" (I love it when I go to a softball game and a hockey game breaks out) and we physically hurt three or four of the Ayn Randian testosterone-drinkers on the other side, who will switch sports after they get out of the hospital. Further, we continue the loud capitalist man talk and Bush gunslinger walk into the parking lot afterwards and we see what happens before the Capital Hill police get there.

Maybe we can even work some concealed carry in there, strictly in defense mind you.

Tactical nukes? I'm willing to strap one to my leg for that suicidal slide into second in the 7th inning. Is the second baseman Grover Norquist? Then I'm the Mohammed Atta of softball players.

Was that an unfortunate metaphor? O.K. Then I'm John Wayne in "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence" They are Liberty Valence, resplendent in their full Lee Marvin slack-jawed, horsewhip wielding, strutting, bullying, dumbassedness, later face down in the dust. I throw the carbine to Poppy, and head back to the ranch to be left alone.

Because winning isn't everything, we find Tom Delay and insert our big useless, plastic fake-gold first-place trophy up his fundament.

Game over.

Then you, Jimmy Stewart, win an election or two and pass universal heathcare. See: two tracks.

As an aside; two observations. As a long-time competitive softball player (now baseball, too, after the knee heals), you will find that there is more yelling and fighting and ejections in coed softball games than in top-level men's leagues. For some reason, because we are idiots, men think they like an audience of women when they act like jerks. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Also, some years ago I played in a men's softball tournament and a gay men's softball team entered. They weren't very good, recreational at best, but they entered for fun and maybe to make a point. Their uniforms were very short shorts and pastel. Some ran the bases; others minced.

It was very cool and instructive to see the reaction among the other teams (manly men deep into manliness) and the spectators (wives and girlfriends of said manly men). Mixed. Curiosity, shock, and more admiration than you might think from this crowd.

And, of course, ridicule, from some of the blockhead manly athletes, who probably play on Republican teams on Capital Hill now. When all was said and done, I knew who the real cocksuckers were.

The amazing thing was, this team attracted perhaps hundreds of spectators, whereas the rest of us had a beleagured wife or girlfriend yawning in the bleachers. I suggested to my team that we ought to change our uniforms to something a little more -- chic and revealing? That didn't go over too well.
I mean, that's an 11 on the wonderful lunacy scale.

Here's the thread in which the ObWi regulars collectively came to understand what they were facing.

This comment is also Pure Thullen. I still can't make out what on earth it's about, but it certainly inspires me with fear towards the Burger King of the Forest!
***

Oh, I know this is only the smallest of samplings. John Thullen is difficult to index, let alone summarize. Since he doesn't have any copyright on his comments on others' sites, though, you can copy the ones you think particularly brilliant and dump them here! Please do contribute: I'm guessing that a concentration of Thullen will be ... just great.

(Erm, Thullen, if you really object, send me an email.)

12 Comments:

Blogger Jackmormon:

Thullen is on fire in this thread, making vague grim predictions, muttering darkly about Hoover, speculating about Dorothy Parker as a blogger.

5/26/2006 09:32:00 AM  
Blogger rilkefan:

This made me laugh.

5/26/2006 11:13:00 AM  
Blogger Jackmormon:

That's pretty great, rilkefan. This recent one, which I call "The Parable of Hornet-Thwacking," is also a keeper.

5/26/2006 11:46:00 AM  
Anonymous John Thullen:

oh, jeez.

Well, I have the queasy feeling of a guy about to suffer from a long bout of commenter's cramp.

If DaveC. could serve as my editor and correct all spelling mistakes and unfortunate phrasing, not to mention expunging a good 90% of the semi-colons I use to assuage my self-doubt ... or better, if he could employ his computer skills to sabatoge this entire enterprise, I would be appreciative.

I'm so full of crap, I can't believe it, which is the reason for the diversionary flower-on-the-lapel-that-squirts-water routine and methinks I doth protest too much, so would I please shut up already.

Incidentally, I sprinkle some of my stuff with Beatle references (see the Burger King thing), because if every thread devolved into a baseball-sex-Beatle fest, I could better hide my utter lack of knowledge of anything else. Most of the time, no one gets it.

As Paul McCartney (and John Lennon) said, in reference to their song-writing: "When in doubt, steal." So, I do. From them.

Below the comment box, one is ordered to choose an identity. I take it literally.

Now, stop it. Well, not yet.

5/26/2006 12:15:00 PM  
Anonymous John Thullen:

"sabatoge" if French for "sabotage".

See?

5/26/2006 12:18:00 PM  
Blogger Jackmormon:

I'll take down the post at HoCB, if you like. Nobody comes over here unless specifically directed to anyway.



(I could take down this post if you really want.)

5/26/2006 12:27:00 PM  
Anonymous John Thullen:

Whaddaya, nuts? ;)

Have a nice trip.

5/26/2006 12:52:00 PM  
Blogger Jackmormon:

I'm leaving in half an hour and am all packed. (So, so excited: I haven't left the city since December.) It's good to know you aren't freaked out by it for real.

5/26/2006 01:19:00 PM  
Blogger rilkefan:

"It's good to know you aren't freaked out by it for real."

You are so going to come back to your place to find the furniture rearranged and the walls painted mauve - mostly.

5/26/2006 04:10:00 PM  
Blogger liberal japonicus:

Small prezzie for Jackmormon, I deployed google to find some Thullen posts from other blogs

An anecdote about a Republican Little league coach is here

This one from Electrolite's post on the Fog of War

This pithy gem that's a follow on from McManus.

And some for ObWi
Here's him dealing with Felixrayman

Musings on the election process

Some of John's phobias

The Marianas and the kidneys of Delay and Armey

A whole thread of Beatlelove

What's road trip in Swedish?

One of my faves. if only for "Barney Fife Spanish"

A meditation on schadenfreude

And the last line in this comment should be more than enough for a Koufax.

5/28/2006 12:00:00 AM  
Blogger rilkefan:

Wow, it's like there's a secret blog by John hidden out in the internets and only a few people are clued in.

5/28/2006 10:12:00 AM  
Blogger Jackmormon:

Ah, that's a wonderful present, LJ. My favorite part is scrolling past John's comments to see how people reacted. I think it's to the "Barney Fife Spanish" comment that xanax replies "interesting anecdote, I'm not sure what it has to do with anything, but interesting." Classic.

5/30/2006 08:00:00 AM  

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